Saturday, April 11, 2009

Grace and decorum; the 'ant'-ithesis of my life...

I have always been fanatical about keeping my home in order. That doesn’t mean to say that my home is always in order, it just means that I go crazy when it’s not….

Our last home was a small tri-level with a natural propensity to attract bugs of every kind. Did I also mention that I hate anything that is creepy or crawly? That is probably what led to my obsession with keeping things in order. If the little creatures can’t find anything to hide under, they won’t come a callin’!

But raising three small sons can be a challenge where OCD cleanliness is concerned. On a day where I had decided it was time to go where no mom should ever have to go, I tore apart the couch and thrust my hand into the sides and corners where all the small stuff slips – or disintegrates into unidentifiable masses.

I found what I believed to be a pile of sandwich crumbs but as I tried to grab hold and pull it out,….it shifted. Not one to let a crumb – or a gaggle of them – get the best of me, I kept grabbing at them and trying to pull them out.

Suddenly my arm started tickling horribly and I reached over to scratch it only to discover that I had ants invading where no ant should ever be allowed to go!

With one fall swoop throwing caution and modesty to the wind, I tore off my clothes and danced around naked in a rather hasty and uncouth version of a Polynesian slap dance.

After assuring myself that I’d eradicated every little creepy bugger from my personal being, I looked up through my basement window as I was heading to get the vacuum and noticed that a group of neighbors was watching me from outside at street level.

They had the most interesting looks on their faces – something between what-the-crud-is-she-doing and I’m-glad-I’m-not-that-stupid!

For the first time in my life, I understood why Adam and Eve ran to hide when they realized they were naked and grabbed anything – including a dirty old fig leaf – to shield themselves from peering eyes and years of ridicule.

Later that week after the blush of shame had disappeared from 9/10ths of my body, my good friend from down the street called. She gave me the wise bit of advice that is today’s “Life Saver”;

“Stace,” she said, “A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement,…..unless the basement has windows, in which case, spare us all and close the drapes first!”

If only the ants would’ve heeded that advice and given me the luxury to do so. So many could’ve been spared the sight of watching me wiggle and jiggle as I tried to get the ants out of my pants and I wouldn’t have had to move to a bigger house that had the foundation sealed by an exterminator and drapes installed before I moved in.


Taffy said...

Hi Stacy! I met you briefly at the PG library though I don't think we exchanged names. Thanks for your blog! It's great!

Cindy Beck said...

Having had multiple encounters with bugs, I can completely relate! Thanks for a fun post.

Valerie Ipson said...

That's a great story. Of course, I can say didn't happen to me, so it's easy for me to laugh about!!!