A Future for Tomorrow

Many do not know this about me but when I was 15, I got mono and lost sooo much weight I got down to 96 pounds. It was the first time anyone told me how thin I looked and it made me feel 'noticed' and accepted - like I'd finally done something outstanding. Even my mom noticed that my jeans bagged on me.

I was determined to not gain it back and thus started a cycle of binging and purging that lasted until I was 21 when I lost my fist baby through miscarriage at four and half months. And even though the pregnancy was doomed from the start (something was wrong and it was apparent that the mass of cells had never developed), I harbored the guilt and blamed my twisted eating habits and fear of gaining weight for the loss of a precious child. The ipecac and laxatives went into a drawer and were never used for purging again.

From there my weight problems went to the other extreme as I ballooned upwards hoping to disappear behind rolls of fat in order to become unnoticed.

After years of trial, family counseling, finally understanding my own self worth and gastric bypass surgery, the weight is coming off and I am using food in a healthy manner as I reclaim who I am.

Since bulimia and anorexia at that time were not commonly talked about (this was before Callista Flockheart and Kate Moss), I thought no one else dealt with issues of self esteem and body dismorphia like I did and treatment certainly wasn't openly discussed either. I thought I was unique in a very sick sort of way. And so when my dear friend Tristi Pinkston asked me to review a book called A Future for Tomorrow about a young woman who struggled with Anorexia Nervosa, I have to admit that I was intrigued.

Haley Hatch Freeman is extremely candid as she opens her mind to readers who witness the struggles of a young woman struggling with anorexia. The thought processes, the self depreciating talk, the distorted views of self, it all becomes clear and evident to the sickness that rages on behind the eyes of one who struggles with an eating disorder.

And for me, it was healing. I cried and I laughed as I cheered Haley on, recognizing the thought processes of self-disgust and guilt and the desire to feel loved and accepted. I understood the battle that goes on in one's mind for control of the number on the scale and as I read her account of that struggle, I battled right along with her remembering my 25 year process and cheered at her triumph.

Up to this point I have hated full length mirrors and cameras (so why I bought a house full of mirrored closet doors is beyond me!!). But after reading the last page of A Future for Tomorrow, I proudly stood before my full length mirror and looked past the dry erase marker to-do list and looked into my own eyes and saw something I'd never seen before.

It was me,.... and despite the fact that I have another 80 pounds to go, I could honestly say that I was happy with myself and that I have a pretty smile and clear blue eyes that sparkle with the knowledge that I am okay.

I haven't been able to do that my whole life. But after reading Haley's book, I had the desire to look at myself through a Heavenly Father's eyes and see the good in His child. And I have Haley to thank for that.....

I had a desire to get to understand this young woman a little bit more and so I had the opportunity to ask her a few questions. Here is that conversation:

Me - Haley, you were very candid about your experiences in A Future for Tomorrow. How hard was it for you and your family to relive that period and were they okay
with the honesty with which you painted yourself and them?

Haley -It was painful for me to relive the experience. There is a quote I read that I think applies to my situation: “Better that one heart be broken a thousand times
in the retelling, if it means that a thousand others hearts need not be broken at all”
(quote by Robert MCAfee Brown)

My parents tell me when they read my book it brings everything back to them vividly, as if they are there again since I was able to describe it as accurately as I did. So
it does bring back some of their pain as well. However, they are amongst my biggest fans and supporters of the book, and of me telling our story.

My parents, other family members, and friends are pleased with their portrayals since they admit it is completely factual and accurate. My dad’s depiction was the hardest
for me, with showing his negative side of his inherited “fat-phobia”. He is one of the greatest men I know with deep spirituality and love for others. He would do anything
for anyone and is truly an amazing man and father.  He does admit he has this problem with judgment over weight issues and he tries to work on it. I hope the
reader is able to see his positive attributes over his weaknesses. 

Me - You have a passion to share your experiences to help others avoid or overcome the pitfalls that consumed you. What single factor drives you the most?

Haley -There are two factors that drive my passion to share my experience. First of all, I feel it to be part of my mission, my purpose in this life.  We each have a
sacred duty and reason we are on this journey of life, a purpose only you can accomplish. I know sharing my story is part of mine.  

Secondly, I know the heartache of this disease. I can offer something unique to those who are suffering. I don’t know many people who would choose not to help
someone if they knew they had the potential to do so. It sounds cliché but it is sincerely how I feel: “If I can help just one person avoid or get through this
disorder it will be worth it.” 

Me - I'm sure it was very difficult to talk about your experience with being overcome by dark influences. How did you come to peace with that in such a way that you
were able to share it with others without causing more trauma to yourself and those around you?

Haley  - This particular incident was without a doubt the hardest for me to write about and edit. It was something I did with great prayer and guidance. I feel it was
suppose to be a part of my book and the Lord guided me through representing what truly did occur in a respectful manner in my book.  I never felt writing about it would
bring trauma to me or others around me, which it didn’t.

Me - What is the best advice you could give to those who struggle with eating disorders and self esteem issues on a whole? How can they overcome them or avoid
them altogether?  

Haley - I could write an entire other book answering this question alone. In short, the main thing I would like a person who is suffering with an eating disorder to know
is they CAN NOT get over it alone. They DO need to get professional help. 20% of people with eating disorders and 25% of people with anorexia nervosa die without
treatment. That number goes down to 2-3% with treatment. The key to recovery is to get help, be honest with your counselor and with yourself with the issues that
caused the eating disorder and the eating part will take care of itself. Find a passion and use your energy to focus on that instead of the disorder.

Self-esteem is a difficult one too, if it is low enough that there is destructive behaviors, again treatment is necessary. This is one of my favorite quotes, “All of you need to
drink in deeply the gospel truths about the eternal nature of your individual identity and the uniqueness of your personality. You need, more and more, to feel the perfect
love which our Father in Heaven has for you and to sense the value he places upon you as an individual. Ponder upon these great truths, especially in those moments
when (in the stillness of such anxiety as you may experience as an individual) you might otherwise wonder and be perplexed" (President Spencer W. Kimball) I would
like to share with those mentioned the letter in the back of my book titled “To Those Who Are Suffering.”

Prevention again encompasses so much. Causes of eating disorders can span from their parents raising style, to life situations such as abuse, to being overly influenced
by media and much more. (Usually a person with a serious disorder has multiple triggers, maybe all of the above and more.) A powerful prevention tool is awareness
and education. Something I hope my book can provide more of. 

A large responsibility does fall on parents. A child with a mother who diets or who has an eating disorder is 12 times more likely to have one too. A parent should NEVER
put themselves down in front of their child. They not only model this behavior but it leads the child to believe, “If Mom, who is perfect in my eyes, thinks she is fat
and ugly then how much worse am I?”

Me - What is the single most important lesson you learned through your whole experience? 

Haley - The importance of self worth, and faith.

Haley’s book is published through Granite Publishing. For more information, you can
go to her website www.afuturefortomorrow.com and to read more of her thoughts and
wisdom, go to her blogsite at www.afuturefortomorrw.blogspot.com 

Sometimes the best noise is no noise at all

With four boys and a husband that acts like one at times, I have to admit that boisterous noise is a part of everyday life.

This morning when I woke up, I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed by life in general and was wondering how I was going to get a bit of peace back into my daily routine. And then I noticed something....

After having gotten the boys off to school and saying good-bye to a husband who had an early morning appointment and confirming that I didn't have to rush to be anywhere, I couldn't help but smile as I realized there was not a sound to be heard,...that is except for the raindrops on the roof if I strained to hear them.

It was soooo quiet, I wasn't quite sure what to do so I sat back down on my bed, pulled my fuzzy blanket up over me,closed my eyes and listened to the silence.

An interesting thing happened. I could envision happy times I'd had, things I wanted to do and hear clearly some voices that I was afraid I'd forget. In listening to the silence, I reconnected with my world and was rejuvenated to make it through the rest of the week.

I'm not sure if the noise of life has gotten to me or if I'm just growing up. Either way, this morning I consider myself blessed to have not heard a thing....

What do you want to leave behind?

This past month has been an interesting one as we’ve parched through my parents’ possessions.
It’s been a lot of tears as we’ve remembered the good times, and laughter as we relived the adventures, There was stuff to throw away and stuff that we took into our homes cherishing it for the next generations.

But mostly for me, it was a time of learning and understanding.

One neighbor kiddingly came over to ask if we’d found anything shocking or of noted interest as we went through their things.

“No”, we responded, “They were pretty much who we had always believed them to be.”

We found love letters to each other and journals that expressed their thoughts and feelings. We found boxes and boxes of pictures that captured every worthwhile memory and some that we wish hadn’t been captured. We found temple clothes and patriarchal blessings, notes and letters from each of us and pictures we’d drawn – all stuff that would have been boring to the outside world (no novels to write here) but all things that gave us comfort nonetheless knowing that our parents had loved and cherished us and given us a good life based on eternal principles.

It wasn’t until I got home, though, along with all of my mothers papers that I did find something shocking – something that I’d never known about her. As I opened one of her boxes, I found her most cherished collection – one none of us had ever known she’d even had.

We’d known about her Santa collection and about dad’s book collection but this was something that was near and dear to her heart that in the quiet of her room dictated her loves and desires.

For years in her nightstand I’d seen a highlighter and a small pair of scissors and had wondered why she kept them there because I’d never seen her use them. Of no great consequence,….until I had opened this box.

Inside, placed lovingly were hundreds of clippings out of the Church News of a feature called ‘Applying the Scriptures’.

For the better part of 20 years, my mother had carefully cut these little features out, highlighted the things that stood out to her and had then gone to the scripture referenced and used that as a study guide as she studied. More notes had been made in the margins of her scriptures as she gained further insight.

Suddenly this box full of what at first appeared to be nothing more than a collection of recyclable goods, took on whole new meaning and gave me insight into a part of my mother’s life that I had not know before.

She had not made it a public practice of showing that she had done the right things but had simply and quietly just done them. And I, nor any of my siblings, had ever known the deep commitment and faithfulness with which she had lived her everyday life in this one area until after her death when I so fortuitously had stumbled upon her most prized collection.

The whole experience made me really think about what I want to leave behind. What do I want those who come after me to find that will dictate my life, passions and desires? And furthermore, what do I want to collect for my own personal enjoyment rather than for the sake of the world?

I also have to admit though, that I can’t wait to see my mom’s neighbor again so that I can tell him that I did find something shocking that gave me new insight into who my mother really was.
I will also gladly share with him that her heart, passions and desires were more than I ever could’ve dreamed of and that I can only hope to follow in her footsteps one day.

Room for Two

Think of the most heart-wrenching tragedy a person could suffer and then mix it with a dose of honesty, healing, understanding and a happy ending and that's what you will find in Abel Koegh's book Room for Two.I was admittedly a little bit hesitant to read this one since I am a self avowed sucker for fictional stories that I know are going to end up with a happy ending. Abel's story is anything but happy but I can honestly say it is inspirational and once I picked it up, I could not put it down (much to the dismay of my 14 year old so whose triple I missed at the ballpark since the book was blocking my view)!

It cannot be easy to write about your wife's suicide while she's 7 months pregnant and the resultant death of your daughter but what caught me about Abel's story is the raw emotion and the honesty with which he told his story. As a reader, one cannot help but connect with him on his journey of healing and moving on. I could only marvel at his strength and wish to be more like him as I face my own challenges in life.

Ever being the journalist I am though, there were a few questions that I had to ask. I share those along with his responses with you now;

Me - For many men, it is hard to be brutally honest about their feelings and yet in Room for Two, you are so honest, it makes one stand back in awe and admiration especially about the feelings you had over the guilt in not listening to the promptings before your wife's death. How did you find the courage to be so honest and why did you choose that route?

Abel - I tried to read several books about losing a spouse in the months following Krista’s death. I found them to be preachy, boring, and full of self-pity. They rang less than true with me. When I decided to write a book, I vowed not to make same mistake.

I couldn’t write a lie or leave out certain details or scenes just to make myself look good. I had to be able to live with the final product. If anything came of my honesty, I hoped that if people read about my own mistakes, readers would be less inclined to make the same mistakes in theirs.

Me - Many of us unfortunately have lost children - myself included - and a day does not go by that I do not think about her. Do you ever find yourself looking at other children and wondering what your daughter would be like, what her interests would be and counting milestones as if she were there? What helps you get through those days?

Abel - Sometimes I think about what Hope would be doing, but not nearly as often as I used to. It’s probably down to just a handful of moments each year. It helps is that I have three children – two sons and a daughter – with Julie. I fully concentrate on watching them grow and develop. They are the joy of my life.

Me - In your healing process, anger had a big role to play. How would you advise others to handle the grieving process in such horrific tragedies?

Abel - Find a healthy way to deal with your grief. For me it was getting up at 5:00 a.m. and going for a four mile run. I could force all my anger and issues out during that time so when I was done, I could concentrate on simply making it through another day. I tried not to let my grief, anger, or other issues not spill out into my work, friends, or family.

Me - You had known about Krista's genetic background with mental illness. For others who fight depression or other forms of mental ailments, what is the best advise you could give them?

Abel - Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. Whether it’s a family member, doctor, or other mental health professional, if something is not right, let someone know and try to figure out a solution to the problem.

Me - For quite a while you fought with the demons that overcame Krista. Did you ever have that moment where you came to truly understand what it was that tormented her and the meaning of her cryptic message on the answering machine?

Abel - I have no idea what her answering message was trying to communicate. I simply chalk it up to her frenzied mind and that she saw no point in hanging around this world.

Me - Despite all the heartache, you have been blessed with another good woman who has helped heal your heart and shown you what it is to love fiercely again and shared with you the joys of raising a family. For those who are having a hard time seeing that there may be a brighter day ahead, what advice can you give them?

Abel - Life is about making the most of the hand we’ve been dealt. Each morning we have a choice to be either a victim or a hero. Victims let things beyond their control rule their life. Heroes make the best of their circumstances and try to improve them.

I firmly believe that most of our “living” takes place in the gray matter between our ears. Whether we’re happy or sad, miserable or at peace though most of our life is a direct result of how we choose to view the world and the choices we consciously make.

Me - And do you still run? Who is winning now? ;-)

Abel - We still run but having three young kids have forced us, for the most part, to keep separate exercise schedules. Julie works out in the morning. I do it during my lunch break at work. We still try to make time to run on Saturday mornings. Julie still wins – even when she’s pushing a kid or two in our running stroller. She’s a very gifted athlete.

Me - This last one is for your wife if she doesn't mind,....Abel wrote of a bit of hesitation in getting involved with a man with such a unique past. How did you overcome those trepidations and what advice would you give to other women who want to love a widower but are afraid they might get stuck 'competing' with memories? You are a remarkable woman and I thank you for allowing your story to be shared with us.

Julianna - A lot of it had to do with the way Abel treated me. He always makes me feel like the number one woman in his life. I really don’t have to worry about competing with a ghost because Abel never makes me feel that way. For other women who are dating widowers, my advice would be not to settle for someone who’s having a hard time treating you like number one. If you feel like you’re always being compared to a dead woman, get out of the relationship.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to find inspiration

For those of you who would like to get your own copy of Abel's book Room for Two click here .

The 'Stuffing' of Life

This past weekend, my siblings and I had the daunting task of clearing out my mother and father's home since my mother passed away three months ago at age 63 and my father passed away four years ago at age 61 - both from cancer.

Since no who is really living - and my parents were ALIVE - plans on leaving this life at such a young age, unimportant things tended to get put off. The closets had not been cleaned out and the shed was a mess. There was an accumulation of papers and stuff under her bed that would have been a rat's nesting utopia. Her files were outdated and there were even crumbs behind the appliances.

But as we went through the stuff, we also found love letters from my dad to my mom and journal entries written by my mom about how much she had missed and loved him. We found pictures of family gatherings and our prize winning art pieces and papers from school. There were clothes from special occasions and dried flowers that my dad had given her on their first date.

Bottom line, we found a life of memories amongst that stuff in a household that had been a child's haven from the world and a jumping off point for our aspiring dreams and personal growth.

The whole experience made me stop and think about what truly is important and what the definition of stuff actually is.

Webster's first definition defines 'stuff' as the material or substance out of which anything is or can be made. Looking at my mom's 8 drawer collection of ribbons, tissue paper, paper scraps and gift bags, string and yarn, paper punches, glue and pipe cleaners, I decided that this would certainly constitute as stuff. But so would her collection of books that she read to the grandkids and acted out scenes from. Or dad's camping gear that made many a forest site look like the Hilton.

My uncle once said that he's yet to see a hearse followed by a U-Haul filled with stuff on the way to the cemetery but I have to admit, as I went through all of my parents' stuff I learned another one of life's great lessons.It's the 'stuff' that dreams are made of.

Caught in the Headlights

Two years olds are fascinating.Many years ago when my oldest son was about two, I watched with a mixture of horror and keen interest as he jumped from our split entry landing onto our basement couch, bounced onto my mini-tramp and then flew across the room and hit the wall.

Undeterred, he adjusted the tramp and tried the whole process over again until he was able to cling to our TV hutch, gain a firm hold and then shimmy up the rest of the way to the top shelf where I had previously kept a jar of butter mints that he didn’t much care for. He said they tasted like toothpaste.

Finding them gone, however, he dejectedly slid down the hutch only to find out that he was eye level with my stash of Hershey’s miniature candy bars I’d set between the side of the hutch and the TV. He’d been so focused on getting the butter mints, he completely missed something that he liked much better and that had been easily within his reach the whole time.
I thought about that experience this week as I read Barry K. Phillips book Caught in the Headlights – 10 Lessons Learned the Hard Way. Too bad this book hadn’t been around then. My son could’ve used a lesson or two from it.
Although billed as a self-help book, I would more classify it as a self-evaluation book because it really makes one sit down and take stock of where they are and where they should be going.

He hits tough subjects like the pursuit of everlasting happiness, self-esteem versus self–worth, humility instead of pride, giving up control in order to embrace faith, freedom knowing you obey the rules, tolerance while having opinions, forgiveness for your own sake and peace of mind, obtaining true success, enjoying the day to day journey and the myth of physical ‘perfection’.

He uses humor, cartons, poetry, anecdotes and his own experiences to help his readers understand that the brass ring they’ve previously been chasing is not what brings true happiness.Many of us have been Caught in the Headlights for way too long, and it’s time for a course correction. He then gives the road-map to navigate the ten things we all think we want out of life only to find out that there is something that makes us happier – the butter mint versus chocolate theory.
Being the journalist that I am, I was so intrigued with Phillips insight and thoughtful wisdom, that I could not resist the urge to find out more and ask a few more questions. Here are his responses;

1 - How did you narrow your scope of experience to only 10? Were there other lessons you wanted to write about but chose not to? Why or are we talking sequel?

Well, these 10 were the most common. We all seem to do well the top 10 lists, so it seemed like a good number. There are others, but I thought I'd see how well this book does before I worry about a sequel.

2 - Of all the lessons you wrote about, which one for you was personally the hardest to learn and why?

The lesson about Control took some time, but the one about the Big Event was the hardest. I suppose that's because of my entrepreneurial nature. Big dreams can easily cloud day to day pleasures.

3 - Why the title Caught in the Headlights? Was this the original working title? If not, what was and why was it changed?
The original title of "the book" wasn't real catchy. "Caught in the Headlights" was actually the working title, but I had written a fair amount of the book before I finally came up with it.

4 - You use an almost conversational tone throughout the book - like friend talking to another friend. Is this how you always write or was that just the style of this book? What would you say is your normal style of writing and your normal genre?

I've written everything from marketing hype to training courses to contracts. The conversational style I used for this is probably my favorite style. It's more true to my personality than any other style, but I'm comfortable in writing in nearly any style. By far, my favorite type of writing is humor based, no matter the style.

5 - You do not shy away from your religious beliefs. Is this because those convictions are such an integral part of the lessons you've learned. For someone who does not have the same religious beliefs, how can this book help them?

I don't think you need to share my beliefs to gain perspective from the book. But you do need to come to terms with what your core beliefs are. Too many people try to replace religious belief with other things. It just never works. Faith is key to being fulfilled in your life.

6 - Who are the three people you'd most like to meet here on earth? In heaven?

On earth, I'll pick one from three categories: Religious: Henry B. Eyring a top leader in my Faith. In business, Chip Foose (leading car designer) and in sports, Tiger Woods. No longer on the earth (in different categories), Joseph Smith, George Washington and Leonardo DaVinci.

7 - If there was one trait about yourself that you could market knowing people would buy and that it would help the world, what would it be and why? (And don't tell me your wife - we already would love to have that saint in our lives...;-))

Wow! I've never even thought of this concept before. Probably perspective on priorities. I've struggled with that a lot, but I finally think I'm starting to get it. Relationships are top on that list, my relationship with God, my family, and with many others. If everyone cared more about that, most things would take care of themselves.

Although this book is only 104 pages, it contains a lifetime of wisdom and lessons learned that we all should take to heart.

I would highly recommend it to anyone who is proverbially flinging themselves against a wall for butter mints that taste like toothpaste instead of going after eye-level Hershey’s chocolate! You’ll save yourself scads of pain, a less than sweet taste in your mouth and the mortification of having your mother tell embarrassing stories about you on her blog years later…..

If you’d like your own copy, you can order the book here.

Learning the art of Now and Later...

I was given a bloggers award by Tristi Pinkston for the last blog I did called "The Most Beautiful Woman in the World". A deep and humble thank you, Tristi....

This past week I had a friend ask me the question, “Why do you sacrifice so much of the good stuff now for the hope of something later?”

I couldn’t help but think of a lesson I’d given a class almost a decade earlier and a discussion I’d had with my sons more recently than that.

Church at that time was 1-4 so, half-way through the block, rumbling stomachs were a frequent part of the auditory backdrop in our classroom.

Using this to my advantage, I brought in a pan of small, dry, unfrosted cupcakes that I’d also ‘forgotten’ to put all of the required sugar in. I set them on a table and noted with interest that many of the members of the class were so drawn to the cupcakes that they did not notice the unobtrusive box sitting on the table behind them. The others, however, were drawn to the box and waited to see what it housed.

I asked those particular students if they were hungry and lured them into accepting a cupcake. When they were done and still left wanting, I then pulled out of my bag plates, cups, forks, glasses, a jug of milk and the most decadent looking chocolate cake I could find. I set the table in front of the chalk board with a portrait of Christ and invited the students who had refrained to come sit at the table and enjoy a big piece of that cake.

The others sat on looking miserable wishing that they too had had the sense to see beyond the first offering of sad cupcakes.

I explained that our Savior has personally invited each and everyone of us to dine with Him and partake of His feast. It means giving up a bit of pleasure here in this world for that hope of something better.

This is true of so many things in our lives whether it be morality, honesty, tithing, service or any other thing that can bring us eternal joy.

After explaining this lesson to my friend and talking more in depth about the subject, she had another question, “What ever happened to the kids in that class?”

I told her proudly, “Every single one of them is on track, made it through high school and is on missions or married in the temple. They have told me that that lesson made an impression on them they will not soon forget and then added with a big smile, "And I can honestly say that to this day, I know for a fact none of them are starving.” ;-)